We’re Out’a Here!

Small European Coffee

We’ve been in Europe for exactly one week and we can’t wait to get back home. We just can’t take it any longer.

Everything is so different from what we’re used to. The television channels are all in some strange language and it’s impossible to get something to eat at a proper dinner hour. Of course when we finally do get served, sometime around 10:00 p.m. (or should I say 22:00 – which is metric, I think) the portions are so small that we have to order three plates each. And don’t get me started on the thimble-like coffee cups. What’s with these tiny little servings? Haven’t they heard of Super Size here?

And why can’t we get a waiter to bring us our check? It’s like they expect us to stay all night. Hello, we have to get out of here so we can attempt to find our speck of a hotel room, which is a whole other ordeal.

We never know where we are anymore. We’re starting to think all these crazy, corkscrew streets were designed by Pedro the Cruel specifically to torment the citizenry and befuddle tourists. Well, you can tell him that it is completely working. The roads are so confusing that maps are useless. The poor GPS lady, always so confident in the States, just cries now.  

Even if we could find our location on a map, it wouldn’t do us any good anyway. We can’t risk a glance at it. Everywhere we step there are cobblestones. We thought we’d like them. They always look so nice in pictures.  But in truth, they’re dastardly little things that are always conspiring to turn our ankles. I hate them and want to see every last one paved over with good old fashioned asphalt. Nice smooth pavement, just like back home.

We can’t take it anymore. We’re so ready to leave. And we will, just as soon as someone brings us our check.



Update: if you’re interested to learn what we really thought of Europe when it wasn’t April Fool’s Day, please read our first actual dispatch from Spain.

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28 Comments on “We’re Out’a Here!”

  1. Shauna April 1, 2014 at 8:35 am #

    Hi-freaking-larious. Many Americans wouldn’t think this is an AFJ.


  2. mytimetotravel April 1, 2014 at 8:49 am #

    Lol! You mean you’re not taking taxis everywhere? (And tipping the driver?)


  3. dfolstad58 April 1, 2014 at 9:06 am #

    Reblogged this on Notes from "A Place to Live Forever" and commented:
    Is that sarcasm? Sheldon wants to know 🙂


  4. brissioni April 1, 2014 at 9:07 am #

    You do humor well!


  5. myersbowman April 1, 2014 at 9:08 am #

    Very funny. But I can imagine some dumb-ass American saying every single one of the things you think to complain about.


  6. Animalcouriers April 1, 2014 at 9:10 am #

    Great poisson d’Avril!


  7. goingplacesbr April 1, 2014 at 9:30 am #

    I knew from your headline but the truth is that is the way some Americans feel. After being laid off from a job with an engineering firm in 1981 I got called 6 weeks later asking if I wanted to go do a job in Europe for 6 months. I was told no one wanted to go. I asked what was wrong with the job. The answer: 6 months in Europe. You need me to go and you’ll pay my way? How soon can I leave?


  8. elgiorgio111 April 1, 2014 at 9:32 am #

    Reblogged this on Conscious Daily – Your Dose Of Consciousness And Interesting Stuff and commented:
    Haha sarcasm at its best, i mean if he is not being serious.


  9. elgiorgio111 April 1, 2014 at 9:33 am #

    Haha, May your next journey be crazier!


  10. heavenhappens April 1, 2014 at 9:45 am #

    OOh you are being harsh on Europe but I have to agree about the cobbled streets ~ they are deadly on the ankles!


  11. Coral April 1, 2014 at 10:01 am #

    And we serve warm beer. It is called Real Ale.:) You are lucky you have not encountered any Morris Dancers, in said real ale pub.


  12. nigemate April 1, 2014 at 10:01 am #

    LOL! Nice one, guys. You just listed so many of the really great things about Europe and made them sound like HELL…still smiling.


  13. Les Petits Pas de Juls April 1, 2014 at 10:35 am #

    ahahahah very good one! 😉 oh you’re going to enjoy your time in Europe so much! can’t wait to read more about it! Cheers!


  14. eric.rial April 1, 2014 at 1:45 pm #

    Very day appropriate post. Love it!


  15. Lynn Millar April 1, 2014 at 2:17 pm #

    April Fool’s Day there too?


  16. Bapu Nagar April 1, 2014 at 2:49 pm #

    LOL…Great sense of humor…Happy AF Day to all the fools out there!


  17. Tammy April 1, 2014 at 2:55 pm #

    Don’t give up on Europe!

    OK, the food portions are small and highly-priced but there are work-arounds! Believe me. I have to endure this all the time.

    Come and visit my home region of Northumberland in the UK with its wild landscapes, expansive beaches and castles. Plus cheap food from Craster kippers and crab to Northumbrian lamb.

    If on the European mainland… the best food at decent prices is in Italy and Spain. Even Germany is well-priced if you like giant sausages and lots of pork. But not great for veggies. Berlin and Dresden are superb destinations.

    We have a camper van and have discovered these home truths!

    So head north! Plus we’re friendlier & more welcoming!

    So come see… and soon!

    OK, you’ll need a big outdoor coat. And gloves. Plus hats and walking boots.

    You know it makes sense.


  18. Steven April 1, 2014 at 5:00 pm #

    Very funny. Sadly, these are real complaints spoken all over the world by overly entitled tourists.
    Can’t wait for a follow up, including at least one chorus of…’this wouldn’t happen in _______!! *Enter county of choice.


  19. Jason April 1, 2014 at 5:21 pm #

    And I imagine all the old buildings look really dated. You must be wondering why they don’t send in property developers with wrecking balls so they can build shiny new skyscrapers….


  20. Josh Baker April 1, 2014 at 11:54 pm #

    Those silly Europeans! Very funny.


  21. kddlimo April 1, 2014 at 11:55 pm #

    April Fools, I hope!


  22. Allison April 2, 2014 at 12:15 am #

    You are so funny. Enjoy your tiny coffees.


  23. wanderingseniors April 2, 2014 at 11:59 am #



  24. Wingclipped April 2, 2014 at 3:02 pm #

    Now just calm down – just because the coffee comes in thimbles it doesn’t mean you have to drink 6-dozen of the things. It will only get you all riled up and tetchy – it’s no wonder the waiter is too scared to come over to your table to try to hand you the cheque.

    The three plates, by the way, are known to us Europeans as a starter, main course and desert. If you ask them to be put on one large plate then most restaurants will probably oblige you, but I can’t speak for the taste (although choc-ice and chips is supposed to go very my son has a theory that ketchup goes with most things).

    Also, if you glue squares of carpet to your shoes (2 feet squared should do it) the cobblestones should get a little easier.

    I hope that helps but I imagine as it is now April 2nd you’re finding your acclimatisation ordeal is easing up a little in any event…


    • Brian April 3, 2014 at 7:49 am #

      You’re quite right, April 2nd seemed to clear up most of our issues. Although a half-dozen of those small coffees still sounds pretty good. 🙂


  25. Anne-Marie April 3, 2014 at 2:49 am #

    Having lived in both Europe and the US (I am from Sweden and now live in the US) I can totally see your “challenges”. 🙂
    When I came to the US I had almost the exact experience, just the reverse one. I could e.g. never finish any dish that I had at a restaurant. And now I also think the portions are small when I go back to visit. Funny.


  26. johnb April 4, 2014 at 10:59 am #

    Enjoyed the post. You are a talented writer, made me LOL. I want to go there soooo bad!


  27. alongourway April 16, 2014 at 10:42 pm #

    love it!


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